There’s a country and western song for that… “Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug.”
Today I feel like I’m the bug. I used to struggle with depression daily, for years. So I have a familiar rut I crawl into when I get overwhelmed. And I did that this morning, after getting out of bed, getting dressed, and starting the day, — the despair hit. I tried looking at the budget again to see how we’re going to make it work. I was trying to find that silver lining, that bright spot in a sea of dark. But all I found was more reasons to lose hope. I feel like we’re drowning.
So I shut down.
I went back to my room and crawled back into bed. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to hold myself up anymore. My whole body felt like it was being dragged to the ground. So I lied down and hid under my husband’s pillow.
And then I heard my stepson get up. I hoped that he would feed my little ones breakfast so that I wouldn’t have to get up and move. He didn’t. He told my 2 year old to wait for mama. And then, in answer to the little ones request, he opened the back door so he could go play outside. So, here then I have a teenager eating breakfast alone, 2 kids playing a game upstairs in their room, and the youngest outside in his pj’s with the rains from the night still on the ground.
I HAD to get up. It was time to be mommy.
But I couldn’t. My arms and legs still wouldn’t move. I tried to tell myself he would be ok, after all, it’s July, it’s 75 degrees outside. I can lie here for a few more minutes. …
Then the argument in my head began. First the mommy voice, then the despair, then the mommy, then the despair, then the voice that was upset about the battle inside my own head. And for the first time in at least a decade, I had voices in my head fighting with each other.
I started sobbing. I couldn’t take it, I was overwhelmed.
I started talking to God. I told Him that I knew He was there. I asked Him for help, — and told Him I didn’t want it. I told Him I knew He could get me through it, — and I told Him I didn’t care. Basically, I brought Him into my internal battle.
Then He gave me the answer. “The very fact that you are here is the proof that you will get through this.” Oh!
In other words, you are being dragged down into the darkness because you are on the edge of the dawn. You are drowning because the dam is about to break. It’s going to work out, and you know it will, because you are being attacked by your demons!
That was the epiphany the I needed.
I recovered my strength.
I got up.
I dressed my youngest and fed my kids breakfast.
And Now, I am Mommy again!
I don’t have any idea how we are going to fix our budget woes, but I know the answer is right around the corner. Why else would the adversary be using so much effort to hold me back? Something great is on it’s way. And I can have faith and know that All is Well.
Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this! If you have had similar experiences, feel free to let me know in the comments.